Liquid Gold

Boobies, Boobies, Boobies.

Why are we so reluctant when the discussion of breastfeeding comes up? Why is this topic STILL so controversial? Well, here we are, breaking some barriers, opening up possibilities , and discussing some myths and some obvious facts about breastfeeding and breastmilk.

My breastfeeding journey stated before my Mini even came into this world. Around five or six months of pregnancy, I started educating myself on the entire concept of breastfeeding. I wanted to know as much as I possibly could, to prepare myself for what was to come. I read day and night, researched all that Google would give me and asked everyone about their breastfeeding experience. I read up on the first latch, on colostrum, when my milk was suppose to come in and all the benefits that the baby gets from it. I knew I would breastfeed, I was not only dedicated, but I didn't give myself another option. I was so excited to share this experience with my daughter, I couldn't wait to hold her and snuggle her in, nurse her and nourish her.

Due to my delivery not going as planned, things took a turn in my breastfeeding journey.

On March 22nd, 2016 I had an emergency cesarean. Because of Mini's difficulty in breathing, was taken into the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit right after birth. I didn't get to see her for the first 12 hours, so my plan of doing "skin-to-skin", and witnessing her first latch, fell through.

When I finally did see her, her IV was already attached to her and she was receiving her nutrition through that, I wondered"What about my boob, my milk?" The NICU nurses looked at me like I was nuts when I asked if I should breastfeed her. As nicely as they possibly could, they told me I could go back to my room, pump out my colostrum and they will give that to her through her feeding tube when she's stable enough.

"Feeding tube? How can a baby 12 hours old have a feeding tube? I'm supposed to nurse her, hold her, give her my milk that my body has been creating all this time, how is this possible?"

Well, I went back into my room cold, dark room, and I pumped. I figured, I'll pump today. Tomorrow i'll get to nurse her! The next day I said the same thing, and the next and the next. On the 5th day, I was being discharged from the hospital, but our Mini was not. Her condition was getting worse, and due to being intubated, she wasn't even getting my milk through her feeding tube. She was strictly on IV and lipids.

Those first 6 days were tough! Our Mini laid restlessly in her bed, and there was nothing we could do, nothing other than watch and pray. I didn't know how to handle myself, I didn't know where to go, what to do, so I took comfort in pumping. I kept telling myself that If I create enough milk, if I continue pumping, she will nurse one day, that it wouldn't be for nothing. So I pumped, and pumped, every 3-4 hours, night and day, I pumped! Not only was I able to pump out all my colostrum, on day 4 my milk came in. I pumped so much that the NICU started calling me "Dairy Queen". Two weeks into being at the hospital (with us living there, of course), our Mini started taking my milk, through the feeding tube, but every ounce was the greatest milestone.

April 14h, 2016, the lactation nurse placed my Mini on my chest for the first time to guide me through my first nursing moment. They showed me how to hold her, how to place her on my breast, how to help achieve a letdown and mostly how to read Mini. They also advised me that since this is her first time latching, I should try not to be disappointed if it doesn't go as smoothly. She was at the stage where she needs to learn all over again and that I need to be patient. "She latched, I felt a letdown!" Our first nursing experience, and my Mini latched, like a champ. I'll remember this moment for the rest of my life. Her little hands holding on to me for dear life, her eyes searching for my voice, her little smirk in between each latch. I was so grateful, so blessed to have this experience. An experience I was scared would maybe never happen.

Once we came home, 29 days later, I expected my Nursing to continue being easy. I pumped for weeks, so I expected breastfeeding to go smoothly as well. It was anything but smooth. I was engorged most days, leaking throughout the day, and just extremely uncomfortable all day. This breastfeeding thing wasn't going as planned, at all.

But I stuck through it.

About 3 months into exclusively breastfeeding, everything got so much easier. Breastfeeding became so natural. I felt like I was nursing my Mini my entire life. I felt like I was made to nourish this little girl. My breastfeeding lasted 433 days. I exclusively breastfed my Mini 433 days, and she no longer found interest in it. She got too active, she became too busy for it. Slowly my milk started coming in less and less and eventually tried up. I was heart broken. I knew this time was bound to come, but it was so difficult to accept that she no longer needed that moment, like I did. I will always be so proud of my journey, a tough, but rewarding one. I've made the best decision for myself and for my Mini.

My story is probably a lot different from a lot of moms and their experiences with breastfeeding. There is a crazy amount of information out there on what breastfeeding entails and what's right and wrong. Let's start of by discussing some myths and some actual facts on breastfeeding. Let's break it down.

What is colostrum?

Your breasts start producing colostrum during pregnancy and the first few days after. It is yellowing and orangish in color and very thick and sticky. It is low in fat but high in carbohydrates, proteins and most importantly antibodies to help keep your baby safe. It is also extremely easy to digest for your baby and helps with the first stools they pass

Myth: New moms don't make enough milk at the beginning

It is true that moms don't make milk the first 3-5 days. The amount of colostrum comes is very low, a few teaspoons, but that is all the baby needs for nutrition. After a few days of this, with often breastfeeding, your milk comes in

Myth: Breast milk is better for your baby IQ

New studies have shown that by the time the baby reaches kindergarten there is no intellectual difference in a formula fed and breastfed baby

Myth: Breastfeeding makes your boobs saggy

Your pregnancy, hormonal changes, milk inside breasts (whether breastfeeding or not), the stretching of boobs and then the shrinking is what causes your breasts to sag

Fact: Breastfeeding reduces your chances of Postpartum depression Nursing releases a hormone called oxytocin, which promotes nurturing and relaxation

Fact: Breastfeeding can help reduce diseases for babies later in life

It can reduce Type I and II diabetes, Hodgkin's disease, Leukemia, Obesity, High Blood Pressure, High Cholesterol levels, Crohn's Disease, Ulcerative Colitis, Asthma and Eczema.

Fact: Breastfeeding helps you lose baby weight

Moms that breastfeed burn 300-500 calories more a day

Fact: Breastfeeding reduces the risk of cancer

Breastfeeding reduces the mothers risk of ovarian and breast cancer. It has to do with the structural changes in breast tissue caused by breastfeeding and the fact that lactation suppresses the amount of estrogen your body produces

There is a lot of information floating around with telling us what to do, what not to do. What is right and what is wrong. But have we ever thought about asking the one person that is experiencing this journey, the mom. Have we even though about her right and wrong and what she is doing and not doing? I took the time to connect with some amazing mamas that shared their breastfeeding journey with me. I've always known that every mom has a different story, starting with me, and this just proves it. As you are reading this, i'm going to ask you to keep an open mind and have understanding. This is a no judgement zone, and all we can do is support.

These are real moms, with real stories.

"After having an unexpected C section, I really struggled with breastfeeding. It took about 3.5 days for my milk to come in and I was attached to the pump 24/7, trying to pump as much colostrum as I possibly could to feed baby girl. We would supplement with formula in the meantime, and it was exhausting. My milk finally came in but she wouldn't latch properly, so after months of using the nipple shield, recovering from my surgery and trying about a million different breastfeeding positions, we finally got it all figured out. My mom always used to say "finally your stubbornness is paying off, I would have given up a long time ago" and hearing this would make me so proud. The connection I felt with my little one while nursing was something indescribable, something only her and I shared and it still remains so sacred to me. Baby girl self-weaned at 10 months and I was ready as well, but I will always cherish our special connection during those months and I am forever grateful. -Samra @samra.tee www.samrateesbabies

"My breastfeeding journey began the 4th week of my sons life after he finally came home from the NICU. He latched on like a champ from the moment I put him to my breast.A week into it, it seemed as if my baby was more hungrier and definitely fussier. I couldn't understand why. I remember one day going home, wanting to pull my hair out because his hunger screams were not only giving me a panic attack but they HURT MY HEART SO BAD. I though to myself, why is he so hungry when he spend the last few hours attached to my breast?!I took him to his pediatrician and was told that Amar lost weight... But how was that possible? I can pump enough for him! I leak all the time! I drink teas, and take nursing drops and eat good, so why is he not getting enough?As I was leaving the doctors office in tears, his doctor stopped me, put his hand on my shoulder and said "Don't give up. Substitute with formula but don't give up. Your milk made him strong and healthy and it's going to continue to do just that"And that's exactly that I did.15 months later I'm proud so say that I still nurse my sweet boy." - Aldijana Cutahija

"Breastfeeding never came easily to me, no matter what foods I ate, Nadia was miserable, gassy, had reflux and colic for her first 3 months of life. After that it got a little easier. Once my maternity leave was up, I was pumping around the clock. By 6 months my supply depleted. I had just enough pumped milk stashed to be able to make it to 12 months with breast milk, along with formula. Amina was a different story, due to some complications during pregnancy she came a little early. Her blood sugars were checked around the clock while we stayed at the hospital, when her levels dropped they had to give her formula. I pumped the entire time I was at the hospital. So much that my nipples started bleeding. I was so determined to make it work but it didn't. Our breastfeeding journey was just short of 2 months, both of which we were miserable. My supply just could not keep up with her demand. So I pumped and supplemented until my supply eventually depleted. I was able to give her 6 months of breastmilk along with formula. I will forever be grateful for that bond we shared, but breastfeeding isn't the only way that you can bond with your baby. Which ever way a mama chooses to nourish her child, props to her! Because it takes a village, and who are we to judge." -Azra Colpa @azradc

"After two days of labor, and three failed inductions, I ended up with a C-Section. The recovery was SO hard physically and mentally. I kept asking myself, is this going to get easier? I felt like I got hit by a train. Then came the moment to finally breastfeed my baby girl. The moment they handed her to me she latched! The lactation consultant yelled "look at her gooooo she's doing sooo good!" The bond that I felt during that moment was so special!! Words can't begin to describe it. I didnt feel pain, she didn't chap me, and it was smooth sailing ever since. I think about that moment daily. I thanked God for this everyday. This was my special moment. My advice for all the new moms is to stay positive and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Don't give up! Just when you think you can't handle anymore hardship, something positive will happen. Everybody's journey is different, but certainly we can all relate to each other as Mother's. Regardless of where your journey as a mother takes you, you are AMAZING. Don't ever be hard on yourself if things don't go as planned. Life is a journey, and we can't always have a plan or the same experience as other Mothers!" -Dzejna Halilovic

"Breastfeeding is such a beautiful bond you get to share with your child. I did long term bf with my both my children. my son was bf up until 2 years and my daughter was bf up until 3 1/2 years. some difficulties I came across:1. having to change your routine when it was time to feed.2. to have lots of patience because sometimes a feed could be a few minutes and others were thirty minutes even until they fall asleep.3. as they became older (after 1 yrs old) I got the "stares" from random people in public. also, posting a bf picture on social media people would criticize my doing and it felt a little discouraging.but in the end I'm glad I was able to pull through and continue the journey with my children. it is one of the best experiences i had with my child from day one." -Lillian Jamfar @mother.jamfar, creator of @beyond_motherhood

"Breastfeeding certainly did not turn out to be the journey I had expected. I assumed it would just happen naturally, my baby will latch and the experience would be perfect. My mom, grandmother, aunts, friends, everyone did it and there was no need to think or talk about it. My journey was anything but simple. My baby was born three weeks early and my milk did not come in right away. I ended up pumping every 1.5 to 2 hours for several days before finally seeing one or two drops of breast milk. Finally, when I attempted to put the baby to the breast, it felt anything but natural. It felt awkward and uncomfortable and almost impossible to grasp. I desperately yearned for the bonding experience which I believed and imagined breastfeeding would provide but the pain of blisters and bleeding nipples was just too powerful to endure. My baby simply would not latch properly. After countless attempts to get him to latch and after several tubes various nipple ointments, I resorted to exclusive pumping. Exclusive pumping was a complete nightmare. Working out clogged milk ducts became part of my daily routine and my Medela pump never left my side. The sensation of my milk coming in every couple of minutes gave me the chills and I desperately wanted that feeling to go away. I told myself every day that today would be my last day but every ounce of breast milk encouraged me to keep going.

I would later find out that my baby’s poor latch was due to lip tie. I had read up a great deal on it previously and suspected that may be the cause, but several assurances by a lactation consultant made me believe I was wrong. I firmly believe that nurses, lactation consultants and other types of postpartum help are all great resources and should be utilized if you feel the need, but we as mothers truly know our children best and should never ignore our instincts and gut feelings. If you, as a mother, feel that your concerns are not being answered or resolved, continue to seek out further help and guidance. Don't settle for an answer which you, in your heart, do not believe to be the right answer. In hindsight, despite the daily challenges and the overwhelming emotional toll they took on me, I would do it all over again without question. I could say that I wished I had sought out more help sooner or that I had asked for a second opinion much earlier, because, after all, I am sure it would have changed the course of my breastfeeding journey entirely, but at the end of the day all that matters is that my son was fed and that he is a healthy and happy baby." -Jasmina

"Breastfeeding was a scary word to me mostly because I filled my mind with questions like, "what if my milk production is not enough or what if my baby doesn't want to latch". I was so afraid of the unknown, so I began to prepare by watching videos, attending breastfeeding classes and reading all sorts of blog post along with, books and magazines. It wasn't until I held my son and I he latched to nurse for the very first time when all my insecurities began to dwindle!I started to trust my body and practice all that I had prepared for. I'd say learning about the frozen cabbage leafs was my life saver during the first week of breastfeeding. It helped with my breast encouragement. For better milk production I continuously drank organic milkmaid tea and to help my son latch I would squeeze some breast milk around the areola area. I held on to the little bit of confidence I would gain through successful sessions and build on that! I began to believe more in my mommy intuition. I stopped being so hard on myself." - Yisel Salina @living.in.a.bliss

"Ending this chapter after almost 16 months of exclusively breastfeeding. It's been a long journey, from the difficulties of Imran latching on to sore and blistered nipples, and restless night, but I would do it all over again for my son in a heartbeat. I mean, why not?? It's what God Intended your breasts fro: to nourish your children. It's gold!! My son has been sick (cold) once in 16 months..ONCE! Alhamdulillah. To the mamas out there having difficulties, please remember that it is possible and do not give up. Don't let society degrade the beauty of breastfeeding - however long and wherever you please. Do it with pride!" -Indira Krizevac-Hodzic

"My breastfeeding journey was a very bittersweet experience. While I loved providing my babies with nutrition and the bond that we quickly developed through the closeness of breastfeeding, I had many struggles along the way.I had mastitis with my youngest daughter and constant clogged ducts & cracked nipples with both. After the mastitis was cured, my right breast never produced the same amount of milk and the other side had a faster flow which filled up my daughters tummy with more fore milk and less of the fatty nutritional hind milk.For a while there I felt defeated when I couldn't keep up with my babies' demand and had to supplement with formula and then eventually switch over all together, but my husband was supportive throughout, and helped me realized that I did my best and should be proud of my journey. I breastfed both of my daughters for about 3 1/2 months or so, and although I didn't breastfed for as long as I had hoped to, I truly enjoyed it."Jasmina Porcic

"I decided to breastfeed considering I had such an amazing milk supply, I had milk coming out of my ears, not to mention all the amazing benefits for mommy and baby. Feedings were my favorite time with my newborn son, we had this amazing bond, he latched on right away. We would sit for what seemed like hours, just staring at one another and studying every curve and crease in each other’s faces. All of my troubles seemed to be over. Then the sleepless night started, and came the loud bloodcurdling cries. Feeding time was every 2 hours and after each time without fail came the thrashing and crying. I figured I had a colicky baby and continued breast feeding, he use to sleep for 15 minutes and be up for 45, and that cycle lasted all night long. I was so sleep deprived that all I could do was cry along with him. I couldn't eat, couldn't drink, and couldn’t rest my eyes. I didn't think anything was wrong till my baby started pooping blood and my world just stood still. Till this day I don't know how we got to the ER but all I know was the staff of doctors and nurses were ready for us once we arrived. After extensive tests and many misdiagnoses we finally found out that our baby had a milk protein allergy and was suffering from painful colitis resulting in a bloody stool from being fed dairy through my breast milk. I was heartbroken, upset, disappointed in myself. I am his mother, the one responsible to keep him from harm and yet I was the one making him sick. If I had paid more attention this could have been avoided. Over the next 2 months we went through 5 different formulas from food allergy specialty ones to soy based formulas. Nothing seemed to work. I was in and out of the ER with my baby, countless tears shed, holding my 6 week old down as they poked and prodded. My heart ached for this little human, every time he looked at me it was like he was saying "do something", "stop this". I finally snapped and got a new doctor that suggested a medicated prescription formula. I wasn’t allowed to breastfeed and soon after lost my supply. The RX formula worked wonders, he started gaining weight, no more blood, no more painful cries, I had a brand new baby, a happy baby. I reached out to other moms, asked for advice anywhere I could and I am so thankful for everyone that put their two cents in and gave me advice. Till this day I beat myself up for not being more in tune with my child however I am happy that everything worked it's self out in the end and my son is happy and healthy." - Ines Mujagic @ines_mujagic

I've always believed in breastfeeding, and choosing breastmilk over other forms of nutrition. I've always believed that breastfeeding our babies was the best thing we can do for them, especially the first few weeks of life. I've always believed in that, and I still do. Unfortunately for me, my breastfeeding journey didn't start as planned, and everything I believed and practiced fell through at first. As you've read this blog, you've probably noticed that there are other moms, many moms, whose breastfeeding experience didn't go as planned, as thought out. At the end of the day, each mom made the best possible decision she could make for her and for her baby. Each mom did the best she could, and that's ENOUGH. We have to take the time to recognize each mom for everything that she does, not just one thing. We will always doubt ourselves and the decisions we make for our kids, we don't need other individuals and society doubting us as well. We need to support each decision a mom makes, whatever that decision might be, because being a mom is tough as it is, we don't need to make it more difficult.

Love,

a mama + her mini

(photos taken by Aldijana Cutahija)